Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Tiffany is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of hers Lexi. So everyone please put your hands together for Tiffany!
Jerry: Okay, now Tiffany you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Joe, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Tiffany, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Katrina!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Penis. Katrina reaches for the Bed. Out of the shadows D.J. appears.
D.J.: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Katrina.
Katrina: Because I saw Tiffany and D.J. making out at Home Depot!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
D.J.: That's a lie! I was home watching Sponge Bob Square Pants!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Katrina?
Katrina: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Lexi who has recently become engaged to D.J..
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Lexi out here because Tiffany had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Joe that's right!
Lexi: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Joe! You know I'm how I feel about Joe!.
D.J.: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Joe!
Lexi: Because I knew that I could never have Joe. But Tiffany promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
D.J.: What about respect for MY feelings!
Katrina walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Lexi.
Katrina: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
D.J.: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
D.J. runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
D.J.: Tiffany take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
D.J.: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Joe.
Lexi: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Joe: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Tiffany is married to Joe who Lexi has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Lexi has recently become engaged to D.J. who was recently spotted kissing Tiffany in the Home Depot. Now on top of this Katrina has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Lexi.
Joe: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.